Loosen Your Grip

Sigh... Saturday night and I find myself alone in my apartment with my tea and a Bible.  I am thankful tonight for my date with Jesus.  Truth is sometimes hard, but is always good... always beautiful. 

I began reading Luke 18 and was struck in a different way by verses 18-30 (about the rich ruler.)  In my previous endeavors to explore this particular piece of text, I didn't get much further than this: "Jesus calls us not to worship money, but to worship Him.  He wants us to use our riches for good (others) and to be willing to give up all we have to follow Him."  True interpretation?  Sure, there is truth to it.  But there is so much more to this story than the shell.  I find myself pondering: What are my riches?  Being a second year assistant first grade teacher, my salary doesn't exactly have me "rolling in the dough" as some might say.  I am blessed, don't get me wrong, and I have abundantly beyond what I need.  But I don't find myself distracted by all the dinero flowing out of my pockets.  So what might this mean for me?  If the Lord asked me to sell my stuff and empty my bank account for Him, would I?  Honestly, I don't know.  I hope that I would.  But where I begin to get more caught up is this idea of forfeiting whatever it is that makes me FEEL "rich."  At different points in my life, I would attribute my vast "wealth" to my friendships, my education, my career, my family...  What if God asked me to leave those things and follow Him?  Thus enters my holy conviction...

Over the past year or so of my life, I have had many ups and downs.  Relationships, friends, career concerns, positions of leadership, faith... you name it... it's all been shaken.  Some of these struggles have been public knowledge and some have not.  I suppose a way to put my feelings into words would be to describe some of these times as feeling "teased."  Some wonderful, redemptive, exciting, new answer to prayer would come a hair shy of coming to fruition, and then would shatter back into a million pieces.  Over and over and over.  Does the Lord tease?  Absolutely not.  He teaches.  But I will say that some of these experiences required me to swallow my pride and dig for every ounce of humility in me.  At times, He is calling me to give up those things which make me feel rich.  Those things that matter most to my heart, that influence so much of where I spend my time and energy, were seemingly dangled in front of my face and then snatched away before my fingers could grasp them.  And that's just it... I wanted to grasp those things tightly in my hands and never let them go again.  I wanted them to be under my command and control, so that I could continue to drain them of the fulfillment and happiness for which I was so thirsty.  It just doesn't work that way.  After (hopefully coming out of) a season of disappointment, depression, and darkness, I will trust You with the healing, restoration, and glorification of those things which were seemingly lost.  You are a God of hope, a God of peace, and a God of fixing broken things.  

Any blessing we are given, we are entrusted with to turn back to His glory.  These beautiful things must be held with open hands.  Otherwise, we will suffocate them, for they cannot breathe when squeezed so tightly.  We can come close, and even at times hold something while slowly tightening our grasp.  For our own good, the Lord will not allow this.  He will only permit our joy and fulfillment to come from His goodness.  It is the only thing we will not and cannot suck dry.

Thank you Lord, for using these experiences to train us to acquire a taste only for You.  Teach us to turn every blessing back to You.  

  

Windows

Several years ago, I found myself headed down to Tennessee with one of my college roommates for a weekend at her family’s lake house.  I was fully expecting a rustic cabin complete with dampness and mosquitoes that bite you while you sleep.  However, as I was shaken awake (I fall asleep almost the second I get into a car,) we were pulling into the driveway of a gorgeous mansion.  My excitement over an outdoorsy adventure was quickly enveloped with a deep (and somewhat relieved) sigh.  This was going to be more like royal treatment than cooking marshmallows over a campfire.  I can’t say I was upset about it either. 

As we entered the foyer to raised ceilings, exposed beams, and pristine carpets, I quickly noticed something.  You could see a full, unobstructed view of the lake from literally anywhere in the entire house.  Vast pine trees, peaks of sunshine through their branches hit the water and made it look like glitter.  It took your breath away.  As I was given a tour of the house, I began to feel more and more at home.  Like this was somewhere I could rest and not be called lazy for it.  I was shown the master bedroom and as I grazed past the bathroom, I noticed something unusual.  The shower was encompassed by two glass walls, both which faced outside.  I couldn’t believe it… even the view from the shower was stunning.  The way the house was built made the shower almost hover out over a large hill that overlooked the lake.  The area was private, but I still would not have felt total comfortable showering in front of two windows that stretched from floor to ceiling.  Then I found out the windows were made of one-way glass.  You could see out, but nobody could see in.  Perfect.  It was just perfect.  Or at least it seemed to be.

The luster of beautiful things fades both literally and metaphorically when it cannot be seen.  Does beauty even exist if no one else experiences it?  (Kind of like that old saying: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?)  My answer: I don’t know.  I don’t know if beauty or sound or fear or whatever exists if no one is there to experience it.  But how many times do we find ourselves amidst something beautiful only to realize that we are only mesmerized temporarily by what we can “look out” at.  Do you think, perhaps, that the beauty around us was created to reflect the beauty He created IN us?  We already know that Christ died because He saw us as beautiful enough to save.  Part of that beauty in us is our freedom to love, our freedom to be seen, and our freedom to be known.  We could live our entire lives looking through one-way glass without letting anyone else see in… without letting anyone else see our vulnerability… our nakedness.  The Father enjoys our beauty, but will not take it from us.  He wants it to be OFFERED to Him.  The more we realize how beautiful we are, the less fearful we are of being seen, both by God and by others.  So let the glass be shattered my friends.  Let them in… let others and your Savior enjoy your beauty.  For as this proves, walls, even glass ones, can be deceiving. 

“And the king will desire your beauty.  Since he is your lord, bow to him.”  Psalm 45:11   

Brave

After quite a hiatus, I have returned!  The past 6-12 months have been busy, hectic, exhausting, and trying... but have also included moments filled with great joy, laughter, and gratefulness.  I am happy to say that I have completed my graduate program preparing me to become a better teacher.  All the while I have been working a new full-time job, remaining active in numerous classes/ Bible studies, continuing as a member on the worship team, and playing on a flag football team!  (And this, just to name a few things.)  The important thing to mention is not that I felt forced to take all of this on, but that I felt called to remain obedient to those things the Lord was not asking me to cut out of my life for whatever reason.  Sure, I could have made this time easier on myself, but the Lord knew the support these people and activities provided was monumental in my "making it to the end."  It was intimidating, overwhelming, and at times exhausting.  But during this time in my life, the Lord was requiring something new of me... BRAVERY.  For me this meant relying on the Lord with lots new things, and without the support and people I to which I had grown accustomed.  At the end of the day, I know life will continue to bring trials, but I feel better equipped and more confident in the Lord's ability to lead me to high land amidst rising waters.

Psalm 31:24 - "Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait and hope for and expect the Lord!"

Webster defines courage as "mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty."  The Lord tells us to let our hearts take courage in those things for which we do not yet have clarity.  For me, this was entering a time of fire while certain circumstances of my life caused what I knew to practically disappear in an instant.  My heart was confused and crushed and was then required to have courage?!?  It seemed nearly impossible.  However, had things gone as I would have planned, I would not have had to rely on the Lord.  I would have done things in my own power, forfeiting all the Lord had for me.  Being brave can mean different things for each person and their individual lives.  For my little buddy Henry, who is now in remission after a difficult battle with leukemia, being brave meant trusting his Jesus, parents, and doctors as he suffered from pain not understanding why.  For the single mother fighting the daily battle of raising Godly children, being brave can mean forcing yourself out of bed and taking on yet another day full of activities, work, cooking, cleaning... alone.  For the one who suffers from chronic pain with no answer or hope of relief, being brave means putting one foot after the other and making it through another day when the reality is, NO one understands how you feel.  For the one heart-broken over a fractured relationship, being brave means allowing the Lord to heal, and trusting in His character to bring light and glory to the situation.  The Lord calls us to be brave for different reasons, but it will undoubtedly cause us to become more confident in what we can do WITH God.  It can be scary, but we have no reason to fear.  He has far better things planned for us than we can even plan for ourselves (Ephesians 3:20.)  When things are tough... be brave and jump in!  The Lord is fighting for you on the front lines. 

Easter Bunny vs. Santa Claus

I found myself pondering this weekend... which holiday is really more significant?  I have noticed over the past few years that I have almost reluctantly admitted to "liking" Christmas better than Easter, while feeling a little bit guilty about it.  Seriously, Christ rising from the dead is CLEARLY the holiday we should celebrate more.  As I have matured in my faith and understanding of the two holidays and what they symbolize, I began to feel like a "bad Christian" to enjoy Christmas more.  Sure, sure... at first it is easy to attribute it to commercialization and carols and lights.  After all, the only thing that really comes with Easter is a giant bunny and maybe a chocolate egg.

I have sort of always fought the truth of "Jesus was REALLY born in July," and "the traditions we celebrate today have nothing to do with Christ and really aren't even an accurate representation of historical tradition." There are a lot of "grinches" out there, and they can certainly rob Christmas of its joy.  But the Christmas we see is not the important part.  When the trees and presents and cookies are stripped away, we realize what we are celebrating was the fact that God came to the earth as a HUMAN.  If Jesus hadn't come into the world as a human being, it wouldn't have mattered.  Long ago, at the fall of man, sin entered the world.  Because God cannot exist in the presence of sin (He is too Holy) a ransom had to be made to atone for that which tainted the perfect.  The consequence of sin to us is death (both physically and eternally.)  Now, unfortunately, we had no way out... until Jesus came.  He died so we wouldn't have to.  When this happened, he became like us (human) and died in our place to pay what we owed.  This was required in order to restore OUR relationship with the Father.  If He had come any other way, it wouldn't have mattered, because what we owed for our sin could not be paid in any way other than the "human way."  This is what we celebrate at Christmas.  This year, I am focusing on more than Christ as a baby.  I am focusing on His humanity.  Sometimes I look down at my hands and imagine Christ looking down at His own, human hands in the same way.  It blows me away.  He was perfectly God and perfectly human, and that is why He can be the link between us (perfectly human) and God (perfectly God.)  Without Him, we wouldn't have stood a chance.

Disclaimer: Don't get me wrong, Easter is important too.  But let us remember that there could not have been an Easter without a Christmas first.  Let us not lessen ANYTHING God has done for us!

      

Close

                            (Picture taken in South Africa... they just couldn't get close enough!)

One of my favorite things about kids is how much they teach us about the Father  And how they hold up a mirror reflecting things about ourselves that we've either forgotten or don't care to admit.  I have noticed something lately... and that is how children want to be close to the people in their lives.  Here, I am talking about a physical closeness, although I believe emotional closeness plays a part as well.  Along with the cold weather comes colds.  And that means snotty noses, hacking coughs, and nastiness galore.  Spending 8 hours a day in an incubator of germs makes you aware of many things, including your desperate desire to stay AWAY from all the boogers.  All that aside... I have found myself trying to keep a little more distance between myself and the kids at school lately.  I have been sick and so have they.  In my efforts to create some space, I have noticed how desperately they just want to be close to me.  If I scoot a little further over, so do they.  They want to hold my hand, and hug, and sit as close to me as possible during reading time.  If my lap was big enough I swear they would all be on top of me.  In the mornings during devotionals, a little boy sometimes likes to lean up against me while we sing... it is so precious.  This desire to be "close" can reveal so much about our longings to be known and loved.  That is really what it boils down to.  They are wanting to be loved.   

This is how we should be with our Father.  We should long to be close to Him, to feel His skin, to touch His face.  He will not scoot away.  He will always hold our hand.  He will hold us when we are sad and tired and want to rest.  And He doesn't mind our boogers:)

Birthdays

Birthdays are funny... some people love them, some people hate them.  Sometimes they make you happy and sometimes they make you sad.  Either way, birthdays cause you to reflect on your life and who/what is important to you.  I celebrated my 27th birthday a little over a week ago.  It was a Monday, like any other Monday... I went to school, had a pretty normal day, came home, took a nap, ate dinner with my parents, and went to bed early so I could start the routine all over again the next day.  There were many happy moments during my day when I felt celebrated.  Six-year-old's are especially good at being honest and making a big deal out of the fact that you are turning a year older.  I received homemade cards, gift certificates, cookies, and hugs.  There were many nice things said to me like: "Happy birthday Miss Hall!  I love you, you are the best teacher I have ever had!" and "I like that you look so pretty everyday!" and "I like you because you take us to recess!"  All of them blessed me. 

Driving home from school that day, however, the deep sadness came.  As I thought about the past year and the people I love so dearly, my heart experienced deep sadness that can only come with true realization that you messed some things up.  It broke me.  Tears streamed down my face as the joy of being surrounded by first graders who think you are the best thing since sliced bread to those I had hurt and let down during the past year.  It was hard to celebrate in light of the pain and heartache this brought.  But then the Lord gave me a very sweet, true picture.  It was of Him celebrating me in Heaven.  He was jumping up and down with a smile on His face... dancing with me and telling me of all the beauty and joy He created in me.  He delighted in who I was and in everything about me.  He was proud, even though I had made mistakes and let Him down... He was proud of who I was.  And then, nothing else mattered.  It didn't matter who celebrated me or what my past mistakes said about me... HE was celebrating me like no one else ever could.  If I could have gone to Heaven for just that day and celebrated with Jesus, I would have.  He was the only One I really wanted to be with.  And then, another realization came to me.  He celebrates me like this EVERYday, not just on my birthday.  He celebrates me because He made me exactly who He wanted me to be, and He is perfect and doesn't make mistakes.  His smile is always that big when He thinks about me.  He sings "Happy Birthday" to me everyday in His heart.  And for that, I am forever thankful.  May I always find joy in how celebrated I am by the Father!

Never Let Go

This song by David Crowder Band has been the cry of my heart for quite some time now.  Wanted to share the lyrics...

"Never Let Go"

When clouds veil sun, And disaster comes  
Oh, my soul, Oh, my soul  
When waters rise, And hope takes flight  
Oh, my soul, Oh, my soul Oh, my soul
 
Ever faithful Ever true  
You I know  
You never let go  

You never let go You never let go You never let go
 
When clouds brought rain, And disaster came  
Oh, my soul, Oh, my soul  
When waters rose, And hope had flown  
Oh, my soul, Oh, my soul  
Oh, my soul
 
Oh, my soul overflows  
Oh, what love, oh, what love  
Oh, my soul fills with hope 
Perfect love that never lets go
 
Oh, what love, oh, what love Oh, what love
Oh, what love  
In joy and pain  
In sun and rain  
You're the same  
Oh, You never let go