A New Beginning

I have a confession to make.  I hate New Year's Eve.  And it comes... every year.  I have tried so hard to enjoy this night... a night of endings and beginnings... but I always seem to meet the face of disappointment in the end.  Maybe it's because I have never received a "New Year's kiss," or I inevitably have one too many drinks, or I don't want to say "goodbye" to what the year has brought, or "hello" to a new year's uncertainty and change.  Whatever the reason, I'm attempting to turn my views around this year.  Because I have every reason to believe that there is good in my future, that I will have beautiful people in my life, that I will see more light than darkness, and that I will get at least one step closer to becoming who I am supposed to be.

New Year's is a funny celebration, if you ask me, because you are celebrating something new.  We celebrate a beginning, something untested, uncertain... ignorantly, without knowing what it will bring.  Perhaps this is why I have a hard time celebrating.  How can I celebrate something that could become good or bad?  Something that could bring joy or devastation?  I find myself caught in the middle of the great debate of hope vs. cynicism.

As humans, our beliefs are formed around our previous encounters and experiences, whether we care to admit it or not.  Most of the time, those in hope's side of the ring have danced with blessings and happiness recently.  Those of us blinded with disappointment, loss, and betrayal are naturally bracing ourselves for more of the same.  A great way to avoid disappointment is to expect nothing.  Life becomes a series of moments tuned into only survival mode.  But not me, not this year.

This year I am in hope's side of the ring.  I am choosing to buy into the idea that life is taking me somewhere... that I am here on this earth because earth would not be the same without me.  I am the only one who can be beautiful me.  While up's and down's and inevitable, they both fight towards the same goal... character.  We choose how we respond to our circumstances.  And I want to be one whose circumstances don't define who they are.  I want to be one who dreams, one who loves, one who believes in the beauty of others regardless of what happens around them. 

Without dark there can be no light, without struggle there can be no perseverance and without doubt there can be no hope.  There has to be a counter balance to everything, because that is what creates choice.  I choose hope, not because I have to.  I choose hope because there is already enough who doubt... and a world without hope, a heart without hope... doesn't stand a chance.

                            

Numb or Overcome?

It can be so hard to determine whether we have become "numb" or whether we have "overcome."  I am finding that it is a delicate line we walk as followers of Christ when it comes to "traumatic" feelings and experiences.  Let us attest to the fact that because we were all created differently, and in God's image, that we (and Him) are the only ones that can define what in our lives receives the label of "traumatic."  Few things bother me more than when I overhear someone telling someone else to just "get over it" or "move on."  It desensitizes our feelings and labels our heart's cries as illegitimate.  No human being can presume to know what is going on in our hearts and minds when we hurt.  The Lord can.  We cannot.  The rate and thoroughness at which we process through pain and healing is set by the Father.  And this, friends, is why we must allow ourselves grace.  It is a fine line we walk between when we "overcome" and when we become "numb."  And dare I say that at times we have no idea on which side of the line we fall. 

Because of the way the Lord has wired my feelings and emotions, and because of the way I cannot help but love others deeply (both a blessing and a handicap,) I have found that most of the trauma I endure is as a result of relationships... with family, with friends, and with the Lord.  I was once told to never expect anyone to love me as much as I love them.  While this brought me peace in the moment (and an answer as to my frequent disappointments,) I later realized the lie this planted in my heart.  It was a subtle belief that deep down, no one would ever have the capacity to love ALL of me.  And since I felt I had evidence of this in my life, I took it as truth.  This can lead to a spiral of downward thoughts that the enemy would love for me to believe. 

Once I began to allow the Lord into this space of lies, the enemy began to flee.  As the wrath of rejection is finally beginning to wear off, I am once again standing on the truth: that I AM HIS.  And because I belong to Him, and because He created me to bring glory to Himself, I am beloved.  Not only to the Father, but to those around me, whether they see it or not.  Whether or not someone's actions fulfill this prophecy is irrelevant.  The world does not always reflect truth.  He delights in me.  He can't WAIT to be around me, He can't WAIT to spend time with me.  He thinks I am beautiful, unique, precious, valuable, lovely, and loving.  Believing there is no contradiction in how He created me is paramount.  He didn't create me to bring joy to Himself and no one else.  And He doesn't understand why, at times, others can't see me in the same light.  He doesn't "get" it when people give up on me, or why they can't see me like He does.  When it comes to broken relationships in the body of Christ, I can only imagine Him calmly and quietly convincing us of His creation's goodness... of His people's value.

And so the battle wears on in this fallen world.  Some days I feel the Lord's presence so strongly it's all I can think about.  And some days I feel the rejection so strongly I wonder if I've made any progress at all.  And some days I choose to feel nothing.  Some days remaining "numb" is better than fighting the battle.  It is on these days that I can't decide if I have "overcome" the lies, or if I have become "numb" to them. 

I think the answer is this: to remain in constant communion with the Father is the only way to overcome.  "Overcome" is not a noun, but a verb.  It is not a state we reach, but a battle we fight.  Numbness is a breeding ground for the enemy's lies.  When we choose to feel nothing, the Father's light cannot fight the darkness away.  So, let us fight the battle, no matter how exhausting.  Let us not think for a moment we can choose to stand anywhere but facing the Father.  So He can remind us constantly of the truth of who we are.  He does not tire of reminding us of how much He loves us.  The world does.  People do.  So often relationships fall apart because we can't stand reminding the other person AGAIN that we love them.  Gosh darnit why can't we just believe it??  When we want to hear it just one more time, get just one more reminder, let us go to the Father, who will never run out of loving words to share with our hearts.

                  "I lean not on my own understanding, my life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven.  I give it all to You, God, trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me." - Will Reagan

Loosen Your Grip

Sigh... Saturday night and I find myself alone in my apartment with my tea and a Bible.  I am thankful tonight for my date with Jesus.  Truth is sometimes hard, but is always good... always beautiful. 

I began reading Luke 18 and was struck in a different way by verses 18-30 (about the rich ruler.)  In my previous endeavors to explore this particular piece of text, I didn't get much further than this: "Jesus calls us not to worship money, but to worship Him.  He wants us to use our riches for good (others) and to be willing to give up all we have to follow Him."  True interpretation?  Sure, there is truth to it.  But there is so much more to this story than the shell.  I find myself pondering: What are my riches?  Being a second year assistant first grade teacher, my salary doesn't exactly have me "rolling in the dough" as some might say.  I am blessed, don't get me wrong, and I have abundantly beyond what I need.  But I don't find myself distracted by all the dinero flowing out of my pockets.  So what might this mean for me?  If the Lord asked me to sell my stuff and empty my bank account for Him, would I?  Honestly, I don't know.  I hope that I would.  But where I begin to get more caught up is this idea of forfeiting whatever it is that makes me FEEL "rich."  At different points in my life, I would attribute my vast "wealth" to my friendships, my education, my career, my family...  What if God asked me to leave those things and follow Him?  Thus enters my holy conviction...

Over the past year or so of my life, I have had many ups and downs.  Relationships, friends, career concerns, positions of leadership, faith... you name it... it's all been shaken.  Some of these struggles have been public knowledge and some have not.  I suppose a way to put my feelings into words would be to describe some of these times as feeling "teased."  Some wonderful, redemptive, exciting, new answer to prayer would come a hair shy of coming to fruition, and then would shatter back into a million pieces.  Over and over and over.  Does the Lord tease?  Absolutely not.  He teaches.  But I will say that some of these experiences required me to swallow my pride and dig for every ounce of humility in me.  At times, He is calling me to give up those things which make me feel rich.  Those things that matter most to my heart, that influence so much of where I spend my time and energy, were seemingly dangled in front of my face and then snatched away before my fingers could grasp them.  And that's just it... I wanted to grasp those things tightly in my hands and never let them go again.  I wanted them to be under my command and control, so that I could continue to drain them of the fulfillment and happiness for which I was so thirsty.  It just doesn't work that way.  After (hopefully coming out of) a season of disappointment, depression, and darkness, I will trust You with the healing, restoration, and glorification of those things which were seemingly lost.  You are a God of hope, a God of peace, and a God of fixing broken things.  

Any blessing we are given, we are entrusted with to turn back to His glory.  These beautiful things must be held with open hands.  Otherwise, we will suffocate them, for they cannot breathe when squeezed so tightly.  We can come close, and even at times hold something while slowly tightening our grasp.  For our own good, the Lord will not allow this.  He will only permit our joy and fulfillment to come from His goodness.  It is the only thing we will not and cannot suck dry.

Thank you Lord, for using these experiences to train us to acquire a taste only for You.  Teach us to turn every blessing back to You.  

  

Windows

Several years ago, I found myself headed down to Tennessee with one of my college roommates for a weekend at her family’s lake house.  I was fully expecting a rustic cabin complete with dampness and mosquitoes that bite you while you sleep.  However, as I was shaken awake (I fall asleep almost the second I get into a car,) we were pulling into the driveway of a gorgeous mansion.  My excitement over an outdoorsy adventure was quickly enveloped with a deep (and somewhat relieved) sigh.  This was going to be more like royal treatment than cooking marshmallows over a campfire.  I can’t say I was upset about it either. 

As we entered the foyer to raised ceilings, exposed beams, and pristine carpets, I quickly noticed something.  You could see a full, unobstructed view of the lake from literally anywhere in the entire house.  Vast pine trees, peaks of sunshine through their branches hit the water and made it look like glitter.  It took your breath away.  As I was given a tour of the house, I began to feel more and more at home.  Like this was somewhere I could rest and not be called lazy for it.  I was shown the master bedroom and as I grazed past the bathroom, I noticed something unusual.  The shower was encompassed by two glass walls, both which faced outside.  I couldn’t believe it… even the view from the shower was stunning.  The way the house was built made the shower almost hover out over a large hill that overlooked the lake.  The area was private, but I still would not have felt total comfortable showering in front of two windows that stretched from floor to ceiling.  Then I found out the windows were made of one-way glass.  You could see out, but nobody could see in.  Perfect.  It was just perfect.  Or at least it seemed to be.

The luster of beautiful things fades both literally and metaphorically when it cannot be seen.  Does beauty even exist if no one else experiences it?  (Kind of like that old saying: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?)  My answer: I don’t know.  I don’t know if beauty or sound or fear or whatever exists if no one is there to experience it.  But how many times do we find ourselves amidst something beautiful only to realize that we are only mesmerized temporarily by what we can “look out” at.  Do you think, perhaps, that the beauty around us was created to reflect the beauty He created IN us?  We already know that Christ died because He saw us as beautiful enough to save.  Part of that beauty in us is our freedom to love, our freedom to be seen, and our freedom to be known.  We could live our entire lives looking through one-way glass without letting anyone else see in… without letting anyone else see our vulnerability… our nakedness.  The Father enjoys our beauty, but will not take it from us.  He wants it to be OFFERED to Him.  The more we realize how beautiful we are, the less fearful we are of being seen, both by God and by others.  So let the glass be shattered my friends.  Let them in… let others and your Savior enjoy your beauty.  For as this proves, walls, even glass ones, can be deceiving. 

“And the king will desire your beauty.  Since he is your lord, bow to him.”  Psalm 45:11   

Brave

After quite a hiatus, I have returned!  The past 6-12 months have been busy, hectic, exhausting, and trying... but have also included moments filled with great joy, laughter, and gratefulness.  I am happy to say that I have completed my graduate program preparing me to become a better teacher.  All the while I have been working a new full-time job, remaining active in numerous classes/ Bible studies, continuing as a member on the worship team, and playing on a flag football team!  (And this, just to name a few things.)  The important thing to mention is not that I felt forced to take all of this on, but that I felt called to remain obedient to those things the Lord was not asking me to cut out of my life for whatever reason.  Sure, I could have made this time easier on myself, but the Lord knew the support these people and activities provided was monumental in my "making it to the end."  It was intimidating, overwhelming, and at times exhausting.  But during this time in my life, the Lord was requiring something new of me... BRAVERY.  For me this meant relying on the Lord with lots new things, and without the support and people I to which I had grown accustomed.  At the end of the day, I know life will continue to bring trials, but I feel better equipped and more confident in the Lord's ability to lead me to high land amidst rising waters.

Psalm 31:24 - "Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait and hope for and expect the Lord!"

Webster defines courage as "mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty."  The Lord tells us to let our hearts take courage in those things for which we do not yet have clarity.  For me, this was entering a time of fire while certain circumstances of my life caused what I knew to practically disappear in an instant.  My heart was confused and crushed and was then required to have courage?!?  It seemed nearly impossible.  However, had things gone as I would have planned, I would not have had to rely on the Lord.  I would have done things in my own power, forfeiting all the Lord had for me.  Being brave can mean different things for each person and their individual lives.  For my little buddy Henry, who is now in remission after a difficult battle with leukemia, being brave meant trusting his Jesus, parents, and doctors as he suffered from pain not understanding why.  For the single mother fighting the daily battle of raising Godly children, being brave can mean forcing yourself out of bed and taking on yet another day full of activities, work, cooking, cleaning... alone.  For the one who suffers from chronic pain with no answer or hope of relief, being brave means putting one foot after the other and making it through another day when the reality is, NO one understands how you feel.  For the one heart-broken over a fractured relationship, being brave means allowing the Lord to heal, and trusting in His character to bring light and glory to the situation.  The Lord calls us to be brave for different reasons, but it will undoubtedly cause us to become more confident in what we can do WITH God.  It can be scary, but we have no reason to fear.  He has far better things planned for us than we can even plan for ourselves (Ephesians 3:20.)  When things are tough... be brave and jump in!  The Lord is fighting for you on the front lines. 

Easter Bunny vs. Santa Claus

I found myself pondering this weekend... which holiday is really more significant?  I have noticed over the past few years that I have almost reluctantly admitted to "liking" Christmas better than Easter, while feeling a little bit guilty about it.  Seriously, Christ rising from the dead is CLEARLY the holiday we should celebrate more.  As I have matured in my faith and understanding of the two holidays and what they symbolize, I began to feel like a "bad Christian" to enjoy Christmas more.  Sure, sure... at first it is easy to attribute it to commercialization and carols and lights.  After all, the only thing that really comes with Easter is a giant bunny and maybe a chocolate egg.

I have sort of always fought the truth of "Jesus was REALLY born in July," and "the traditions we celebrate today have nothing to do with Christ and really aren't even an accurate representation of historical tradition." There are a lot of "grinches" out there, and they can certainly rob Christmas of its joy.  But the Christmas we see is not the important part.  When the trees and presents and cookies are stripped away, we realize what we are celebrating was the fact that God came to the earth as a HUMAN.  If Jesus hadn't come into the world as a human being, it wouldn't have mattered.  Long ago, at the fall of man, sin entered the world.  Because God cannot exist in the presence of sin (He is too Holy) a ransom had to be made to atone for that which tainted the perfect.  The consequence of sin to us is death (both physically and eternally.)  Now, unfortunately, we had no way out... until Jesus came.  He died so we wouldn't have to.  When this happened, he became like us (human) and died in our place to pay what we owed.  This was required in order to restore OUR relationship with the Father.  If He had come any other way, it wouldn't have mattered, because what we owed for our sin could not be paid in any way other than the "human way."  This is what we celebrate at Christmas.  This year, I am focusing on more than Christ as a baby.  I am focusing on His humanity.  Sometimes I look down at my hands and imagine Christ looking down at His own, human hands in the same way.  It blows me away.  He was perfectly God and perfectly human, and that is why He can be the link between us (perfectly human) and God (perfectly God.)  Without Him, we wouldn't have stood a chance.

Disclaimer: Don't get me wrong, Easter is important too.  But let us remember that there could not have been an Easter without a Christmas first.  Let us not lessen ANYTHING God has done for us!

      

Close

                            (Picture taken in South Africa... they just couldn't get close enough!)

One of my favorite things about kids is how much they teach us about the Father  And how they hold up a mirror reflecting things about ourselves that we've either forgotten or don't care to admit.  I have noticed something lately... and that is how children want to be close to the people in their lives.  Here, I am talking about a physical closeness, although I believe emotional closeness plays a part as well.  Along with the cold weather comes colds.  And that means snotty noses, hacking coughs, and nastiness galore.  Spending 8 hours a day in an incubator of germs makes you aware of many things, including your desperate desire to stay AWAY from all the boogers.  All that aside... I have found myself trying to keep a little more distance between myself and the kids at school lately.  I have been sick and so have they.  In my efforts to create some space, I have noticed how desperately they just want to be close to me.  If I scoot a little further over, so do they.  They want to hold my hand, and hug, and sit as close to me as possible during reading time.  If my lap was big enough I swear they would all be on top of me.  In the mornings during devotionals, a little boy sometimes likes to lean up against me while we sing... it is so precious.  This desire to be "close" can reveal so much about our longings to be known and loved.  That is really what it boils down to.  They are wanting to be loved.   

This is how we should be with our Father.  We should long to be close to Him, to feel His skin, to touch His face.  He will not scoot away.  He will always hold our hand.  He will hold us when we are sad and tired and want to rest.  And He doesn't mind our boogers:)